delight: (red and black and turned away)
[personal profile] delight posting in [community profile] anxietysupport
Despite being an atheist and a firm one at that, completely disbelieving anything having to do with religion and prophecies, I was still kind of scared about this Rapture thing. Knowing 100% completely that it was a bunch of crap. Without any doubt in my mind at all. There's no part of me that's agnostic, I know there's no god1. So of course there was absolutely no part of me even believed a tiny, tiny little bit that there was going to be any rapture.

And yet, because OCD and GAD love to team up and be superstitious, I was still caught up in finding myself nervous about today coming. Even though I was completely sure nothing would happen. It was like 0.0001% of my brain was HOOKED on the fact that EVEN THOUGH ALL OF THIS IS COMPLETE BUNK, WE STILL NEED TO WORRY!

I had to confess that somewhere and was so completely humiliated by it this is the only place I could think to put it. Seriously, WTF, brain? I don't believe in any of this, so why were you focusing any energy at all on it? I knew nothing was going to happen. Having nothing happen induces no feeling of relief, because it's not like I was actually rationally concerned. What is with this desire to focus on any possibility of impending doom and worry about it, no matter how stupid it is?

1 I am not saying anyone has to agree with me here! Everyone who interacts with me is welcome in their religion, I'm just utterly comfortable in my conviction that how I was raised is right and there is no god – it's a fact to me, not a theory, and I suppose that in and of itself is a belief but – whatever. I get told off a lot for saying I know there's no god the same way I say I know I have two hands, instead of saying that I believe there is no god. My point is: me saying I know there is no god is not an attack on religious people – don't people with religion, similarly, know that there is a god? It's ridiculous how much I have to say in a footnote in order to not seem like I'm going to get called out. Calling-out culture is anxiety inducing too! Yeah. Shutting up.
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